


Classics Never Go Out of Style

by TheShorty



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Surprisingly smutless
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-16 04:19:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14804240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheShorty/pseuds/TheShorty
Summary: They say the classics never go out of style... hopefully 'they' aren't wrong.





	1. Chapter 1

_Monday, 1245 hours_

 

“Here.” B’Elanna Torres dropped the single blue isolinear chip into his outstretched hand as they sat shoulder to shoulder on the uncomfortable bench, “I did what you asked. The first time the program starts, it can’t stop until it’s done. What is it for, anyways? I didn’t think we were going back to the Maquis way, now that we’re back on Earth. Not that I’m not up for it, mind you. All you have to do…” _She’s babbling_ , he thought, _trying to get me to talk. She’s worried._

With a smile that barely reached his dimples, Chakotay looked from the chip to his oldest friend, then gave her a gentle, hopefully reassuring hug. “Thank you. I’ll tell you, if it works. How about dinner Saturday? Bring Tom and Miral; I’ll cook.”

Reciprocating the affectionate gesture, the woman—half-Klingon and normally all sass—was strangely reserved as she hugged him, eyebrows knit together over his shoulder. He apparently didn’t want to talk, so she didn’t push him. He always talked to her in due time. Not always of his own volition, mind you; sometimes she had to literally punch it out of him. It didn’t seem the right time for that fight, though. “Sure, big brother, Saturday sounds good. Miral will be thrilled to see her Uncle Chak again. She misses you, you know. We both do.”

As B’Elanna spoke, he carefully placed the chip in a protective case and slipped it in the front pocket of his knapsack, away from the constantly moving padds in the main compartment. Securing the pocket, he hugged her again. “I love you too, little sister. See you Saturday.”

Chakotay turned back to the building looming behind him, stopping to grab a decent cup of tea before heading towards the lift inside. There was a time in his life when he never expected to see the inside of Starfleet Command again unless he was a prisoner, and honestly, he still felt out of place among the bustling uniforms and rigidly enforced command structure.

His mind wandered to the recent topics of the meetings—first contact away missions. Not all of the memories were pleasant ones. His reverie was broken when the lift announced its arrival on the 15th floor as the doors opened to the corridor of endless conference rooms.

Six months after Voyager’s return, Chakotay and now-Vice Admiral Kathryn Janeway were the only members of Voyager's crew still in debriefs.

 

~~

 

The first week home flew by like a flash, a flurry of settling into new living arrangements, meetings with family and friends of the crew—those who made it back and those they’d lost on the mission—and the homecoming ball. His breath unconsciously hitched at the memories from the ball. Seven was breathtaking, but he knew the moment he walked into her quarters to pick her up that he had made a mistake in stopping her from breaking up with him on the ship. Seven knew it too; theirs was probably the most amicable of all his break-ups.

 

And then there was Kathryn.

 

Surprisingly, she came alone to the ball; he had no doubt she had her choice of suitors since her return. She charmed and chatted with anyone who wanted her attention, making sure she spent time with her crew first. Once she knew they were settling into the night, she moved on to the people she _had_ to mingle with—the admirals and government leaders, those on the upper rung of the social ladder. He could tell she wasn’t as relaxed with them as she was her crew, but she also hid it well. Only a man who’d helped her tackle life-threatening diplomacy on a regular basis would recognize her tension.

After the dinner, toasts, and official speeches were done and the dancing had began, Chakotay made an excuse to leave and quietly slipped out. He didn’t see her eyes following him or the pain on her face she turned quickly to hide as he stepped out the door.

He regretted not dancing with her at their homecoming ball; it was a chance he would never get again.

After the ball, Command had given them a week to settle and decompress, visit their own family and friends if they could, reconnect with the life they thought they had lost. They’d only had one other extended break during the five and a half months since then; otherwise, they were in debriefing meetings Monday through Friday during what used to be the alpha shift.

 

Most of the crew, except senior officers, completed their debriefing within 6 weeks of their arrival back to Earth.

 

She made the first move. After three tense months of acknowledging one another with only tight smiles and slight nods, she approached him. She didn’t say anything at first, just sat down to his right, like she had almost every day for 7 years on the bridge. His smile—those dimples—caught her off-guard when she finally turned to speak. Whatever she meant to say died on her lips, and she smiled back at him with the brilliant smile he fell in love with, one he hadn’t seen nearly enough over the last few years.

They didn’t try to break the tension; she sipped her coffee and he his tea. When she stole one of his mini-apple danishes from the napkin between them and he faked trying to stop her, the sound of their combined laughter echoed through the corridor. B’Elanna, Tom, and Harry all turned toward the sound, incredulous smiles plastered on their faces. It was good to hear the former command team laugh. Together. It had been far too long since anyone in this galaxy had heard that sound.

 

~~ 

 

One by one, the senior officers completed their sessions until all that was left was Kathryn and himself.

They’d fallen into a comfortable, if slightly tense, rhythm during the week. They’re connection wasn’t as seamless as it had been in those first few years on Voyager, but they decided —after a frank discussion over coffee—to take it one step at time and rebuild their friendship slowly.

Smirking at the annoyed look on her face, Chakotay handed her the cup of coffee he picked up on his way into the conference room like he’d done every weekday for the last 6 weeks, and settled in for the afternoon as his Captain's right... er... left-hand man.

 

_Friday, 1500 hours_

Chakotay’s hand gently stopped her as everyone else filed out of the room. Their debriefing was in recess for the weekend, and Admiral Ross just informed them that they would resume on Tuesday. It wasn’t much of a long weekend, but it was the longest break they’d had in months.

Once they were alone, the door clicking closed behind the final stragglers, Chakotay pulled a small box with white wrapping paper from his bag. “I know I’m a little late… but I realized in the chaos of the last few months I never gave you your ‘welcome home’ present.” The box was wrapped with a shaky bow; he wrapped it himself instead of picking something up at a store or replicating it. She bit her lip as she gently skimmed the bow with her fingers, then smiled up at him.

“Thank you, Chakotay. You didn’t have to… really, you shouldn’t have. I don’t deserve it, given how I treated you the last year or so onboard.” The pain flashed through both of their eyes at the memories, and she wasn’t sure what to do next.

“It’s as much for me as it is for you, Kathryn. Please take it, but don't open it until you get home." The words tumbled out faster than he intended, exposing his own anxiety. "I... I need you to promise me something before we go, though.”

She couldn’t stop her eyebrow from arching up at his statement before she answered. “Okay. Shoot.”

 

“Promise me you’ll finish it.”

 

Kathryn Janeway wrapped her free arm around her stomach and met his intense gaze; her eyes revealed a rare flash of vulnerable uncertainty. Finally, she answered. “I promise, Chakotay."

Needing to break the through the sudden thickness in the air, Kathryn grinned at him. "...I guess ‘it’ being a bottle of wine is too much to ask?” she teased, exaggerating her examination of the size of the box. He grinned cheekily. “No, you’ll have to supply the wine yourself. I was always partial to Andorian cider myself.”

Laughing, she placed the box in her own bag. “Shall we?” she asked, linking her arm through his as they exited the door; for a brief moment, they happily relived a scene they'd played on their starship hundreds of times over the years, laughing about everything and nothing in particular as they meandered down the corridor toward their weekend.


	2. Chapter 2

_Saturday, 1700 hours_

She sank down into her bed with a sigh. She’d done everything she could think to do for the day. Her apartment was clean. She’d gone on two separate runs. She returned every message she could find that needed a response, and a few that didn't. She talked to her mom for two hours, and her sister for one. She tried to read or work on reports but was so distracted during the last report, she’d read the same paragraph three times before she threw the padd against the wall. All she thought about all day was his damned present.

She picked it up from her bedside table and placed it in front of her folded legs. _Staring_ _at_ _it won’t give you x-ray vision, Kathryn; you have to open to find out. It’s his olive branch._

_Just open the damn thing._

She carefully detaching the bow with shaky fingers, placing it on her nightstand like a fragile orchid.

Focusing back on the box, she ripped the wrapping paper, giving her impatience some rein before bucked her control completely. Lifting the top off the black box, she peeked inside. _Not what I imagined, but I’m not really sure what I imagined it would be._ Two small, corked glass bottles and a bag of bath salts greeted her curious eyes.

_He got me…bath salts._ She tried not to be disappointed; baths were her favorite indulgence and his gift was a perfect balance between personal and friendly, without being too assuming. _Give it time, Kathryn. You broke this, and it’ll take time to fix it. You don’t half-ass anything, especially when you fuck up._

Carrying the box to her bathroom, she crawled across her bathtub to put her gifts with the other bath accompaniments. Curious as to what the bottles held, she gently popped the cork on one and slid her pinky around the inner rim. _Bubble bath_ , she thought as she lifted her finger to see what scent he had chosen. She recognized the smells but couldn’t quite place them. _Juniper and… something._ Recorking it, she placed it beside the bath salts, which smelled slightly earthy with a hint of lavender.

Lifting and uncorking the second bottle, she expected another bottle of bubble bath and was surprised when her fingers felt a thin, slightly oily liquid. _Perfume_ , she thought _, in that same mix of juniper and… whatever is in the bubble bath._ She recorked the bottle and climbed back across her bathtub to place it on the counter beside her toothbrush. Perfume wasn’t an everyday occurrence for her, but it would be nice for special occasions.

She moved to throw the box away when a small, isolinear chip case caught her eye, pushed up against the side of the box. Pulling it from the box, she checked to make sure she hadn’t missed anything else. Satisfied she found the last of his gift, she placed the box on her bathroom counter again and wandered back to her bed. Opening the case, a small note fluttered onto her comforter, written in Chakotay’s small, unmistakable scrawl.

 

> Kathryn,
> 
> In remembrance of yesterday and in hope for tomorrow. They say mixtapes are classic, and classics never go out of style. I hope they’re right.
> 
> Chakotay

 

She read his words a few more times, turning the chip over and over in her hand. _Promise me you’ll finish it._ This is what he meant. He wanted her to finish this “mixtape”.

She activated the sound dampening field around her apartment, so she wouldn’t disturb her neighbors, and inserted the chip into one of the open receptacles on her main computer console.

 

Chakotay’s voice, warm and solid, filled her home.

 

“If you’re listening to this, Kathryn, it means you’ve opened your present. I’m sorry I didn’t get it to you sooner. All of the debriefings have been… intense,” she could hear him run his hand over his face as he thought about the neverending debrief meetings, “but I finally got it done. Our friendship has been rocky over the past year, but I was serious when I said I want to build it back up. In order to do that, I think you need to remember what we’ve been through and know how it’s affected me. So… I’m going to take you on a musical journey of my perspective of our lives for the last 7… well, now 8 because of all these debriefings… years.” Kathryn’s eyes burned as she tried to hold back tears from building up. _You haven’t even heard anything worth crying over yet. Get yourself together._

“I had to go pretty far back to find songs I hoped you wouldn’t be familiar with but that fit our story, so don’t expect any 23rd or 24th century Klingon opera or Vulcan poetry. I know they’re your favorite.” She couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped and heard him chuckle too. _Apparently he didn’t edit this much._ The thought made her smile. She was getting Chakotay, not an edited version of what he thought she wanted to hear.

“There is a total of 8 songs. I’ve set it up so that I preface each song by telling you about why I chose it. The entire thing will take about an hour, not counting what time you take in between songs. For the first run of this program, you can stop at the end of a song if you want, but you can’t go backwards or fast forward through anything. You also won’t get your computer back until you’ve finished the entire program, so you can’t just pause it and try to ignore it. Your personal padd will show the lyrics of each song after the song is finished, and a file with all the lyrics from all the songs will come to you after the program is complete. At the end of the program, you’ll have full computer control back and be able to go to specific songs if you’d like.”

_B’Elanna must have helped him, and I just might kill her. I wonder if she got to hear all of this as she was working up the program._ As if reading her mind, Chakotay continued. “Don’t worry, Kathryn. B’Elanna wrote the programming but I assembled and tweaked everything. No one, except me, has heard this. Your replicator should still work, if B’Elanna did everything that I asked, so you can still get coffee if you’d like, or whatever else you may want. Hopefully this replicator works better than the one in your cabin.” As irritated as she was, she couldn’t help but chuckle at that. So many burnt rations. “So, when you’re ready, just say so and the program will start. And… since I never got to say it to you after we came planet-side… Welcome home.”

Those last words echoed through her quiet apartment. _This damn man thought of everything._

In the kitchen, she grabbed a bottle of wine and a single glass then made her way back to her bed, leaning back against her headboard and settling under the warm blankets.

 

“Okay, computer. I guess it’s time to let ‘er rip. Play the program.”

 

**Track 1 **

“From the first time I stood in front of you, when you glared at me and told me to treat your crew member like I would treat mine, I knew you were special. At first I thought it was because of your determination to get us home and your willingness to do what you thought was right over what was easy. But as the months went on, I knew it was more than just your devotion to our crew and our mission. Our friendship blossomed, but it didn’t stop there.”

Kathryn felt her heart speed up to match [the beat of the song](https://youtu.be/e04pTwZdLhg) as two smooth female voices serenaded her.

 

_They don't cancel other plans_

_Have conversations with nothing but their eyes_

_They don't hear each other's names and forget to concentrate_

_Hits a nerve and lights you up like dynamite_

_Friends don't call you in the middle of the night_

_Couldn't even tell you why_

_They just felt like saying "hi"_

_Friends don't stand around, playing with their keys_

_Finding reasons not to leave_

_Trying to hide the chemistry_

_Drive a little too slow, take the long way home_

_Get a little too close_

_We do, but friends don't_

 

Kathryn felt herself swallow harshly, her mouth and throat suddenly as dry as the Kazon desert. She finished her wine in two big gulps during the next verse and poured another glass. Her mind flashed to teasing conversations on the bridge, finished with their eyes when words failed them. She remembered the late night/early morning commbadge conversations before they started having dinner together. She remembered losing her cool on him on more than one occasion, and him losing it on her, as they figured out one another’s ‘buttons’ and learned how to judiciously push or avoid them. The song swelled with the bridge, pulling her out of her memories.

 

_I keep telling myself this might be nothing_

_But one look in your eyes and, God, there's something_

_You can lie to me and say you don't_

_But I know you do, and I love you too_

 

The rest of the song fell on deaf ears as she jumped out of bed to find her padd. “Computer, stop playback when this song is over.” _I couldn’t have heard that right._

Finally she located her bag halfway under the couch, and pulled out her personal padd. She beelined for the kitchen, grabbing a second bottle of wine and some crackers before she went back to her bed and poured herself another generous glass. _This might be a long hour if he’s sent me nothing but love songs._

The song finished and, as promised, the lyrics filled her screen. She hadn’t heard wrong.

_He loves me too._ She almost dropped the wine glass in her hand. He'd never said the words so plainly, but she knew. They both knew. _But ...he’s talking about the beginning of our journey. D_ _oes he still love me?_ _Is that what this is about?_   She knew she hurt him deeply on New Earth but he persisted. About 2 years ago, she began to crumble under the emotional weight she strapped to her shoulders and thought she had permanently pushed him away. _If he still loves me.... do I... can I... still love him?_

 

** Track 2 **

**“Computer, resume program.”**

“I loved you fiercely, Kathryn.” He paused, and she held her breath, waiting for him to reveal what he was feeling as he recorded his monologue. “And then, we became infected with the virus and started to build a life on New Earth. Those are my happiest memories of our journey in the Delta Quadrant. Holding your hand after baring my soul to you. Wrapping myself around you later that night, even though we had done nothing else yet, was the most peaceful sleep I’ve ever had. Watching your glazed eyes fall asleep every night and your sleepy eyes wake up every morning, you never looked more beautiful, even in all your makeup and shine at the homecoming ball. You were mine, and we were building a life together.”

She exhaled slowly as the music started, quieter this time but building to a pace that matched [the emotional urgency of the song](https://youtu.be/yIAu-dx21Bs).

 

_Tell me have you ever wanted_

_Someone so much it hurts?_

_Your lips keep trying to speak_

_But you just can't find the words_

_I had this dream once_

_I held it in my hands_

_She was the purest beauty_

_But not the common kind_

_She had a way about her_

_That made you feel alive_

_And for a moment_

_You made the world stand still_

Memories of their time on New Earth tumbled through her mind, memories she had tried so hard to hold at bay because of what they meant to her. Her angry warrior was no more after he told her of his love; he was at peace until she broke him in a way even anger couldn’t protect him. “Computer, stop playback after this song.” She whispered as she listened to the song continue, not wanting to miss a word of a song which seemed a prophesize their experience.

 

_We woke under a blanket_

_All tangled up in skin_

_Not knowing in that moment_

_We'd never speak again_

_But it was perfect_

_I never will forget_

_When we owned the night_

 

She forbade them from ever speaking about anything other than the mundane day-to-day events of New Earth, knowing that they could never go back again. And Chakotay, ever her protector, agreed to her requests before they returned to the ship despite the waves of pain radiating from him.

 

For the first time since Tuvok’s staticky voice came over their comms, Kathryn wept for what she had left behind. _I was a fool._

 

** Track 3 **

**“Computer, resume playback.”**

“There we were, back on the ship, trying to find a new normal... knowing what we knew and having to act like we didn’t. You don’t know how hard it was for me not to push you against the wall in your ready room and remind you of what we had. To shake you until you saw what I saw, what reinforced so many times along the way: that we were stronger together, working in tandem.” She heard him chuckle at himself before continuing. “I even thought about trying to convince you to try a closed-door relationship, keeping it a secret from the crew.” He snorted this time. “Even though we could both imagine how well that would have worked… I would have lived with the looks and the rumors if it meant I could have you. Loving you without being able to shout it across the ship, or even to whisper it to you during the night, tormented me.”

The [music this time](https://youtu.be/_a1-jSYf14g) didn’t have the same urgent tempo as the previous two tracks, but the melodic rhythm reflected the intensity of unquenched desire in his words.

 

_Lights are flashing, Main Street paparazzi_

_You got them lining up to watch you want me_

_Let’s one up the rumors_

_Don’t tell me the world couldn’t handle_

_A good old-fashioned American scandal_

_Hold me baby, hold me like you ain’t mine to hold_

_Kiss me baby kiss me, like you don’t care who knows_

_Love me baby love me like Kennedy and Monroe_

Resting back against her headboard as the track played, her mind wandered to life aboard Voyager if they made any of those decisions. The idea of covert meetings, figuring out how to make individual quarter dampening fields so they wouldn’t be heard, illicit meetings in Jeffries tubes and supply closets made her smile. She wasn’t a teenager any more, that’s for sure, but it felt good knowing he had seriously considered reckless behavior as a viable option to the parameters _she_ defined before they left New Earth.

That made two of them.

 

** Track 4 **

“So, there you have it. I was willing to be your dirty little secret in order to keep you as close to me as possible.” They both sighed before his voice continued, albeit a little shakier. “But we managed for a while. We kept it together. Flirtation, our weekly—or sometimes nightly—dinners, holodeck time… we found ways to stay connected. But at some point… after Ransom and then the second...maybe third?... run in with the Borg… it stopped working. It took everything I had not to drag you to your quarters and hold you until you came back to me, to us. But you wouldn’t let me, and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. No matter how I tried to reach you after that, to pull you back to yourself and to me… you just put up more walls. And every time I saw you, whether once a day or twelve, my heart broke all over again.”

With [the first slow strokes of the piano](https://youtu.be/Thvm6dADOms), Kathryn knew she didn’t want to hear this song. “Computer, stop playback.” Her shaky voice confessed her instantaneous distress.

The piano continued.

 

_Mercy_

_Why you gotta show up lookin' so good just to hurt me?_

_Why you wanna stop this whole damn world from turning?_

_Mercy_

_Why you hanging on so tight if this ain't working?_

_Why you wanna stop this flame if it's still burning?_

_Cause it's still burning_

 

There was nowhere to hide as the anguished melody filled her home. _This is why he made me promise him. He knew I wouldn’t make it past the first bar of this song if he didn’t force me, both in promise and in programming._

 

_So if you're gonna break my heart, just break it_

_And if you're gonna take your shot, then take it_

_Take it_

_If you made up your mind, then make it_

_But make this fast_

_If you ever loved me_

_Have mercy_

 

Kathryn didn’t think she had tears left to cry until the unexpected river poured from her eyes, drowning her in their combined grief. _I thought I was being merciful. To both of us._

 

 

The last echoes of the piano faded, and Kathryn sobbed herself to sleep.

 


	3. Chapter 3

_Sunday, 0500 hours_

Kathryn awoke with a start, her apartment dark except the reading lamp beside her bed. It took her a moment to realize where she was and what had happened.  Chakotay’s “mixtape” flashed through her mind, and she groaned. Her head pounded from crying. She muttered her way to the main computer console and pulled the cover off. A force field covered the opening, repelling her attempt to remove the chip she placed last night. “COMPUTER,” she yelled, all pretense of control gone. “Disengage forcefield from the main computer console.”

“Unable to comply.” _You won’t have computer control until you’ve gone through the entire program._

“Fuck you, Chakotay.” She muttered as she threw the cover against the wall. “I don’t have the patience for this bullshit.” Heading to the replicator, she ordered up a large cup of coffee, extra strong, and headed for the living room. She didn’t want replicated coffee but didn’t have the patience to make it fresh right now.

She sat brooding on the couch, sipping her coffee and organizing all the curses she was going to hurl at Chakotay the minute she saw him on Tuesday morning. _Why wait til then? I know where he lives. He has to have a way to fix this whole “computer won’t work” thing._

Kathryn dressed, anger fanning the fire in her belly until she thought she would spontaneously combust. She grabbed her padd off the bed to put in her bag, and noticed there was a message flashing. _What now?_ Gritting her teeth, she opened the message.

 

> Kathryn,
> 
> If you’re receiving this message, it’s because you have made it halfway through the mixtape. I imagine this is hard for you, because I know how hard it was for me to put together.
> 
> I don’t know how you’re feeling about it or me right now, but I hope you will stand by your promise to finish it. If you can’t do it, though, I have the abort command. It is under the chamozee rock on my front stoop.
> 
> Chakotay

 

She didn’t even have to face him to stop this. _The ultimate out._

_The ultimate cowardice._

 

If she got that code, he would know she broke her promise, that she wouldn’t face their past in order to figure out what— _if anything_ —they are now.

She’d already broken his heart once, or maybe a million times. She wouldn’t do it again. Steeling her resolve, she refilled her coffee mug, gathered the remaining tatters of her heart, and crawled back into bed.

 

**  Track 5 **

**“Computer, resume playback.”**

“I think you thought you were being merciful, Kathryn, but it was agony. I lost you, but you were two feet from me and we couldn’t talk about it. I think you knew I was still clinging to some hope of bringing you back to me, because then you became… as close to cruel and distant as I can imagine you being, given that we still had to function together as a command unit. I tried to force distance myself, to protect myself before there was nothing left for either of us to bring home.”

As the music started, Kathryn’s eyebrow raised just a bit. She couldn’t miss that [this song](https://youtu.be/7qH4qyi1-Ys?t=49s) was a bit…twangier… than either of their usual musical tastes but couldn’t do anything as the song filled her home.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go_

_But I'm doing it_

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_

_Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret_

_But I know if I could do it over_

_I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart_

_That I left unspoken_

_What hurts the most was being so close_

_And havin' so much to say_

_And watchin' you walk away_

_And never knowin' what could've been_

_And not seein' that lovin' you_

_Is what I was trying to do_

 

Kathryn's pain wrapped itself around her like an old blanket, squeezing, tightening like a corset until she could barely breathe.

** Track 6 **

Chakotay’s voice filled her room, and she unconsciously held what little breath she could manage as she waited for the next blow to fall.

“I’m not sure if I’m proud or ashamed to say it, but I couldn’t keep up that kind of emotional distance for another 70 years or so. And there was Kashyk, and Michael… and Jaffen. If we had stayed out there another 17 years, God only knows how many more it may have been. I tried to ride the waves of pain as they came, to let myself grieve what we could have been instead of hoping for more or trying to turn you back into the woman I once knew. Sometime after the ship shattered into 37 different time pieces, I realized that given the chance to go back and change it, to save myself the agony… I wouldn’t.”

Kathryn sipped from her tightly held coffee mug as [the unhurried beat](https://youtu.be/NhTulKznx_Y) surrounded her.

_Even if I knew you'd be the one that got away_

_I'd still go back and get you_

_Even if I knew you'd be my best and worst mistake_

_I'd still make it with you_

_Over and over, again and again_

_Even though we break up in the end_

 

She waited, quietly, for the next song to begin.

 

** Track 7 **

“What I had with Seven was an attempt at finding myself again, however misguided.” Kathryn groaned.  _Leaving no stone unturned here, are you Chakotay? Getting in all your punches while I’m down._ “I was sticking my toe in the water with someone who wouldn’t...hell, literally couldn't...move too fast. I had gone from anger and desperate depression to protective numbness, but I had to learn how to feel again. To find my peace again… outside of you. To find the beauty in life again.”

Kathryn dropped her head to her chest and closed her eyes as a [rough voice crooned](https://youtu.be/0VDNMtn0t2A) around her.

_Life ain't always beautiful_

_Sometimes it's just plain hard_

_Life can knock you down_

_It can break your heart._

_But the struggles make you stronger_

_And the changes make you wise_

_And happiness has its own way_

_Of taking its own sweet time._

_No, life ain't always beautiful_

_Tears will fall sometimes_

_Life ain't always beautiful_

_But it's a beautiful ride._

A small smile, tinged with sadness, appeared on her face as the vice grip on her chest released just a little bit.

Tilting her head back against the headboard, Kathryn steeled herself for the final blow.

 

** Track 8 **

“Well, Kathryn, you made it. The last song. As you probably know, the… thing… with Seven didn’t go very far. But it was a good start for me to figure out who I was after all these years had taken their toll.” She heard him take a few breaths, heard the roughness of his hands as they rubbed over his face before he started again. “You took me by surprise three months ago, sitting down beside me and stealing my pastry. You still owe me, by the way; I haven’t forgotten.” she could see him, even with her eyes closed, self-consciously tugging his ear, “I don’t know how to segue way into this song very well. I think it speaks for itself. I’ll have something to say at the end, though, so don’t cut the program immediately, ok?”

Holding her breath, she waited for a song about friendship, about looking back but moving on. [A simple melody](https://youtu.be/O1-4u9W-bns) filled the room as preemptive tears pricked her eyelids.

 

_When I look into your eyes_

_It's like watching the night sky_

_Or a beautiful sunrise_

_There's so much they hold_

_And just like them old stars_

_I see that you've come so far_

_To be right where you are_

_How old is your soul?_

 

Kathryn’s head swirled with the implications of the song, unconsciously biting her lip until the pain brought her back to the present.

_I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily_

_I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make_

_Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use_

_The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake_

_And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend_

_For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn_

_We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in_

_I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am_

_I won't give up on us_

_Even if the skies get rough_

_I'm giving you all my love_

_I'm still looking up_

As the last bars faded, Chakotay’s voice, strong and sure, filled her room again.

“So, there you have it Kathryn. I love you; I’ve loved since I first laid eyes on you, and I love you still. If you don’t love me, or can’t see yourself loving me again, then you don’t have to do anything. I’ll move after debriefings finish and you won’t have to worry about anything.” Kathryn heard the slight tremble in his voice as he talked about moving away, and her breath hitched as he continued. “But Kathryn? If you still love me... I need you tell me somehow. You can set the pace for what we do from there. I’ve waited for 7 years; I don’t want to, but I’ll wait another 7 if you need me to.”

She laughed as he added one more thing with that light, teasing voice she missed so much. “Also, you are the official recipient of my first ‘mixtape’. Didn’t know we still had cherries to pop at our age, didja?”

She heard the forcefield over the main computer console release with a low buzz; she had computer control again. Moving to the console, she pulled the chip out of it’s home for the last 14 or so hours and placed it carefully back in its protective case. She smiled as the message indicator chimed from her padd; checking it quickly, it was the lyric file as promised and another note.

 

>  Kathryn,
> 
> Thank you for finishing my gift to you… to us, hopefully.
> 
> You should have control of everything again, but if you don’t… call B’Elanna.
> 
> Chakotay

 

She snorted at his deflection, saved the note, and headed for the kitchen. After brewing a fresh pot of real coffee and replicating a proper brunch, Kathryn called her mom and her sister.

 

She had a lot to figure out before Tuesday morning.

 


End file.
